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Sep. 10th, 2015


(no subject)

i think im ready to do this entry now.

i got poppy back in 1999. For a few months we noticed this teeny tiny little ball of black and white fluff hanging around our garden. Any time that anyone went near her she would just pelt away. She was timid back then. I remember one day she caught a whiff of the battered cod i was eating for dinner in my bedroom. Oh i should probably mention here, i grew up in a mobile home on a mobile home park, and my bedroom faced the front door. And i was eating this cod dinner one balmy summers evening with the front door and my bedroom door, both open. Leading up the front door was about 3 chunky wooden steps my dad had built. So, poppy cautiously creeps up the steps and very slowly came inside. In between my bedroom door and the front door was a narrow hallway, which she sat in watching me. i broke off a bit of my fish and threw it to her. Which she gobbled up and craned her neck forward for more, i reached out and plopped another bit down in front of her, which she ate just as hungerily as the bite before. After these two chunks, she gained some confidence and came closer, and i continued sharing my dinner. And then she had a good sniff round the place and my dad saw her and said hello, my mum, true to form shrieked and yelled at her to get out, shoo! go home! out went poppy like a bolt of black and white lightning.

She kept coming back though, and we had no idea where she came from. At first my mum refused to have her in, but softened a little. She waa cautious because she didnt want it to seem like we were stealing someones cat away. But it was odd that she kept coming back and staying in our garden most of the time.

Eventually we found out who owned her, she belonged to an elderly couple a couple of homes down our road, who already had a cat, this huge long furred hell beast that kept bullying poppy and stopping her from going home. The also had a large, young family too who would visit often, which would upset poppy who didnt like lots of people. I think thats why she came to us, because we're a small family and didnt have visitors come round. I grew very fond of poppy, quickly, and was conflicted that she already had a home. my social skills back then were pretty basic, even by teenagery standards, that i had no comprehension of what i waa doing. I wrote the neighbour a letter, explaining that i really wanted poppy (whom they called chin-chin, but never responded to it, yet responded to the name poppy that i picked out for her), and that i used to have two other cats who had died and i really missed having a cat, and that poppy helped me sleep at night.
Really, it was bang out of order that i had essentially written a letter to some dude asking if i can his cat. But in my mind at the time, this seemed like a good idea. And it certainly paid off, he spoke to my mum and told her about the letter and that he was happy for me to have poppy if she was willing. My mum agreed, and thats how poppy became ours.


Sep. 7th, 2015


(no subject)

just had a horrible nightmare where i was trapped in a place with a group of people - the people were nice. But the wife of the leader was possessed, and so would turn and they would have to cart her away, and then when she got better they would bring her back, but then it would start all over again. We were also trapped by the end of the zombie apocalypse, so werent allowed out at all. eventually they let a group of us escort the wife down and we were battling her amd we seemed to have won, but it turns out she just helps to pick us off bit by bit when we come down in a group to be zomebie chow for the zombies who have remained and under control of the military. I was the only one left alive, so i was allowed to go free. but it was weird seeing all the zombies chained up, holding dog bowls, waiting to be fed and all sorts of official people walking and driving round completely fine and relaxed.

thats when i woke up.

Sep. 1st, 2015


2015 tv reviews

I'm doing this alot earlier than planned as ive had to cancel my media streaming services. I'm not bothering with freeview as im cancelling my tv license in october when my sky contract runs out. I'm avoiding getting into programmes on sky because of this. My sky box isnt working either, so ive just been using the skygo app.

With all that out of the way, here's what i've watched in 2015.

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time is about a boy who goes to find his mum who abadoned him as a baby, because he believes the town he lives in is under a fairytale curse and that his biological mother is the saviour, who will lift the curse. everyone who lives in the town is a classic fairytale character. Its quite havily tied with disney i feel, as in the last couple of seasons you have the characters from Frozen feature in it.


Now that paragraph alone makes it sounds incredibly lame. and there were many parts of it that were a bit too sugary sweet for me. But i still found it very addictive to watch and you soon get engrossed in the story and invested in the characters. I'm very looking forward to next season


orphan black season 2

In all truthfulness i wasnt that pulled by the 1st season, but by the end i did start to get into it, so i knew by the rolling end credits of the last episode of season 1 that i would be watching season 2. So when i saw that it had been added, it was that alone that made me sign up for netflix again.

Season 2 is faster paced, its also funnier, more clever and gets to the heart of things much fast than season one. All in all, there felt a sense of 'more'ness, more of everything that was lacking in season one, was heaped into season 2. Season 3 is on it's way.


on dvd seasons 1-9

This is a bit of a cheat putting this on my list, but with a new season of xfiles in the pipeline, how could i resist!

i would of given it a 5, except for the fact that a portion of the episodes felt silly or very outdated, which i felt ruined a fantastic show. So for that, i had to knock it down to a 4. Sorry.


That 70s show

i had never seen all the seasons of this show before, so when i saw that netflix had added it to their list, i added it to mine! Some of the sexist, racist humour did grind of me, which ruined it a bit.But other than that, it was still enjoyable to watch.


Lost girl

I'm an absolute lost girl freak of a fan haha. When i watched the first couple of episodes i werent sure if i would continue watching. But im so so glad i did. It's amazing! When i told a couple of people i dated to watch, and mentioned that its about fairies, they gave me that 'look' lol. But i soon got them hooked, because its just that good! The stories are unique and interesting and there isnt a formula feeling to it, whicb i felt with OUAT there really was. I felt that it was a strong, feminist show, which made it all the more compelling. And the humour was just the icing on the cake "Kick her in the ovaries!!" - kenzi.


Yonderland season 2

i LOVED the first season. It felt half like a kids show and half like a satirical adult show. It was hilarious!

Season 2 was a real let down. It felt sloppy and the jokes were silly and boring. In essense, it was still entertaining, but somewhat irritating to watch.


Game Of Thrones season 5

Every year i watch this show and by the end im left on my seat wanting more. This season was no different, except for maybe being more on the edge of my seat than previous seasons! This season had everything! Though i do hope the writers let sansa get the opportunity to kick some arse in the next season. But i digress! This season had more dragons, more jorah in his friendzone, more zombies with serious case of frostbite, and more intrigue with what is happening in kings landing. I have it a 4, because i did feel that some bits were lacking, like with what is going on with arya.


amazon instant video

This show makes me miss scotland even more. It starts off quite slow, but soon it envelopes you in. The scenery is breath-taking, as is the thick scottish accents. But thats not why i gave it a 5. After every episode it played on my mind, it left me longing for the next. I really liked the character developments too, they felt natural and didnt give 'too' much away. Also, the love scenes *bites fist* best ive seen in a while ;)


Star Trek: Deep Space 9

Last time i watched this years ago, i found it boring and couldnt get into it at all. But i think its because alot of the hidden subtext with the characters went over my head. I found myself very intrigued by the cardassians as a species. Oh the end season battle scenes are the best in the entire star trek series's lol.



This show should never have been cancelled. I think this came out too soom after jos whedons other tv series's, so many were put off from watching it as they were still grieving from the loss of the others. The description that this is a western series set in space also didnt help matters either. As in other cases where western met sci fi its been a bit like chalk and cheese.

Which is a real shame because this show manages to blend the two really well. The characters are engaging. The stories are well thought out and told. It really is a shame that we dont have a second season.


Adventure Time

It feels like its designed for tweenager hipsters, who want to be kool and alternative, but are still very much a kid. It's mindless. No reason story at any part. Just, well, its like a group of people on a LSD trip have made a cartoon. Its just...
Hence i give it a 3, because it is mindless, pleasant fun, that you can watch before bed. I'd say its also good for anxiety sufferers too, because its a very calming cartoon to watch.


The Unbreakable Kimmy Smidt

There are many formulic shows that are like this. But i still throughly enjoyed it. Some of it was silly and obvious. But i still liked the idea and the characters, you find you start to connect with them. It's pretty much like ugly betty, so if you liked that, you'll like this. Also this show makes me want to own a pair of light up sketchers!


Penny Dreadful season 2

So very clever! Some parts felt like filler tbh. But besides that i cant fault season 2. The character of Lily is a tough one, as you really understand and empathise how victor must feel. The storyline of frankensteins monsters just...it breaks my heart. Just...ugh... so sad.


amazon instant video

I love this show. The puppet episode is still the best ever! 'wee little puppet man' - Spike.
The season couple of series' are good too, and we learn that angel and wesley really...really shouldnt dance haha no wait...they should! I do wish we couldve got to know illyria alot more than we did, as she is such a deep and interesting character.


My Mad Fat Diary season 3

My friend warned me that from the first episode my feels will hurt. I still wasnt prepared enough. I dont cry with films or tv, but fuck...man...i proper brawled by the end! Shit, man.... so good!


True Blood: season 7

My relationship with true blood has spanned the recent years, and i have seen it go from being really good, compelling tv, to being a total joke. It really lost the plot in parts, especially with sookie turning into a skank. The last season i felt really brought things together and rounded it off nicely. Some of it felt rushed, but generally i was pleased.


Orange Is The New Black season 2

I was so excited for this to come to netflix. I felt very disappointed with what we were presented this. Still in lichfield, we learn that it's being sold off to a private firm. Which is something that is happening with prisons in real life, it was good that they highlighted it, but i felt it couldve been explored more. Instead it just focussed on one of the employees and their relationship with the prison manager. I liked the the back stories of some of the other prison inmates, and that it was still done in a sympathetic way. I hated piper in the first season and i hate her even more in this. But i was relieved that there was less Larry. Other than that, it was a complete mess.


Invader Zim
amazon instant video
Annoying, made no sense, irritating. But i did like the style of the cartoon. I also found it interesting that the cartoon had a very anti-junk food message to it. Which is unusual in a kids programme.

disclaimer* i know this is the second kids cartoon ive poo-pooed, and that some may assume its because im an adult and not a kid anymore. But actually theres many kids cartoons i adore - animaniacs spring to mind for example.


amazon instant video

At first look, with first impressions. The characters we're presented with are the types of people you'd dislike. But with the humour and the occasional touchy feely moments, these people soon because youre best buddies. Its a shame there arent more episodes. Love this show!


Aug. 23rd, 2015


The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

The Italian guy came round, and he actually wasn't quite what i had expected. So it kinda knocked me a bit, and i weren't sure what to make of him. His voice wasn't as deep as it thought it would be. It took me a while of sitting there, letting everything sink in. This is actually quite common for me, i actually get this every time i meet someone, whether friends, love interest, etc. What my brain sees is actually very different from how i see them the rest of the time. It's like my brain goes into a spasm, and it's trying to piece together what its seeing, but it does so in a very mish mash way, which is quite disconcerting for me. As it feels me with anxiety and confusion. So i encouraged him to talk about a variety of stuff to help calm my nerves and give my brain to piece things together a bit better. And yeh, i found myself laughing and i feeling a connection there, and feeling comfy with him.

And then i put on a dvd, and we watched about 3 minutes of the actual movie, before he made his move. I mean, i had sat on his lap and had a nice cuddle, and then the move haha. And i just melted. Completely melted into it. And i skipped the uncomfortable sofa lead up, that generally happens in this situation, and lead him into the bedroom to make out haha. And....yeh... i have a new bf. So that's nice haha. The only thing, the only real thing at least, is the erm...ending noises... that was quite offputting lol
Ohh, oh i must point out here, following the other entry, i made the sex decision. He said he'd be happy either way, it's just whatever i'm comfortable with. And i was like.... nope, this is happening haha.


It was quite amusing in one way, because he was like i have a high sex drive, i think you'll have trouble keeping up, i have stamina and passion, etc. And i was like, nope, i think i'd handle it fine, 'I' have a sex drive and very much one with the passions lol. And he was like, ah but i'm a red blooded italian, so... and i was like, i...i have no excuse i'm just lusty... lol.
Guess what....i wore him out ahahahahhahahahaha
He laid there in a sweating, panting mess lol and inwardly i was going 'ohhhh yehhhh *smokes a cigarette*'

So he's gone home now, as he works at the weekends, but has a couple of weekdays off instead. So, i see him next week :)

Aug. 16th, 2015


(no subject)

some of you guys will already know these stories i'm about to tell, but theyve come up in conversation today in the comment thread of my last entry. So i'm going to tell them again.

Okay, so in my family on my mums side, all the women on that side have 'gifts' of sensing stuff and have knowledge of things we couldnt have possibly known about at that moment in time. I'm an empath. But i'm also a sceptic and know the psychological reasoning behind these things and am quite good at finding logical reasons for things. I've met many people who claim to have 'gifts, powers or abilities' but when put to the test, fail. And they get quite shirty and defensive i tell you! or they use excuses. it irritates. i've found over the years, people who do have abilities that science cant quite explain yet, tend to be oblivious to it or just dont talk about it.

ben, was one of these people. my first experience of this took me by surprise. over the years ive gotten very good at masking how i feel. so when im upset, angry or nervous i can mask it into a neutral facial expression, and use a neutral relaxed tone of voice, etc., i do this when i dont want someone to know how im feeling. it does take a lot of effort, but ive had a lot of practise at school.
At this point, we were on our second date. We were in the car driving to McDonalds for a quite snack. When out of nowhere he asks if i'm okay. I seemed sad.
i should point out that i was chatty and bubbly at the time singing along. but deep down at the time i was sad, but i didnt want him to know.
so i said no, what made him think that. and he shrugged and said it was a feeling he got.
not too long before we met, i had broken up with a guy who had fallen in love with someone else and was in denial about it, and i had to yank myself away from him. i still felt down about it by the time i met ben, but he made me feel better.
but what struck me about all this, was later in our relationship i told him about the guy before him, and i asked about that day in the car, how did he know?
and again he shrugged and said i just sensed you were sad about something, i dont know lol.

so okay, that can be shrugged off as a coincidence. except for what happened a few months later.

everything and everyone started to die. it started with my gran dying, then some more relatives dying, then my beloved cat smudge died.
and there seemed to be something in the flat around this time. things whispering, shaking the bed, covers being tugged, shadows, etc. it felt like clapham junction in our flat with the different noises and sights going on. we had things move by themselves, be thrown across the room at one point. we're talking proper thrown and hit the opposite wall with a thwack!

it grew from there, i started to have sleep paralysis again, and crippling anxiety at night. we both were creeped out by the bathroom and didnt like to shower alone in there because we always felt like we were being watched and sensation of hands and being poked by fingers.

it grew in 2012 when our animals we owned got sick, one by one with different ailments. slowly they started to die one by one. the air was thick with an oppressive feeling. i felt like i was going mad. in one corner of the living room was this black mass. it hovered above the ground. it was like smoke, but static. the whole flat felt wrong. me and ben argued more than was usual and things started to go wrong in our lives, horribly wrong. we moved the empty cages of the animals who had died into the kitchen, the black mass followed. and it just lurked there. you could feel it, it was that tangable, it was like sticking your hand into mild warm water.

it got the point where the atmosphere was suffocating.

in 2013, ben got a transfer to cornwall, and he moved down and the plan was that i come afterwards, once he found somewhere for us to live.

when we got that news, the atmosphere lifted a bit. not all the way, but that bit of positivity lifted things. the animals started to get better. and about a week after he moved, everything stopped. the atmosphere was lifted, it felt empty in the flat, it was quiet. there was no tugging of the covers, no whispering, even the bathroom felt empty. my cat morry loves sleeping in the bathroom now, she uses my old laundry basket of junk as her own personal bed! shes currently in it as i speak. i can confidently use the loo in the dark. theres no shadows, nothing. the ghostly clapham junction in my flat went.

the last time i went down to visit ben, i finally got it. he's a medium. after being in my then empty flat, staying at his parents place and seeing shadows move around our bed in the semi darkness of his room, hearing the whispers again, and the tugging. it clicked.

of course shortly afterwards we broke up and he got back with his ex, and bit by bit he stopped talking to me (because of her).

its that old addage of 'its not places that are haunted, its people'. and in the case of ben, thats very true.

Aug. 15th, 2015


meme from littlghst

1. Marmite- love or hate?
actually neither, i'm alright with marmite on buttery toast.

2. Marmalade- thick cut or thin cut?
thin cut or smooth

3. Porridge- made with milk or water? / 4. Do you like salt, sugar or honey on your porridge?
porridge, bleh!

5. Loose tea or teabags?
teabags, alot cleaner.

6. Where on your door is your letterbox?
on the inside of the door.

7. What's your favourite curry?
korma :)

8. What age is the place where you live?
about 11 years :) i watched it being built. I had no idea at the time, i'd be living in it.

9. Where do the folks running your local corner shop come from?
i have no idea, i've never been in there.

10. Instant or fresh coffee?
neither. eww coffee :(

11. How far are you from the sea?
about 2 hours away?

12. Have you travelled via Eurostar?

13. If you were going to travel abroad, where's the nearest country to you?

14. If you're female (or possible even some males) do you carry a handbag?
sometimes, it various from handbags, backpacks and across the body bags.

15. Do you have a garden? What do you like growing?
kinda, i have a shared garden, but i don't go in it, except to access my shed every now and then.

16. Full cream, semi skimmed or skimmed?
any, i don't mind.

17. Which London terminal would you travel into if going to the capital?

18. Is there a local greasy spoon where you live?
yeh, it's actually really nice in there :)

19. Do you keep Euros in the house?

20. Does your home town have a Latin, Gaelic or Welsh alternative
nope. Not that i know of.

21. Do you have a well known local artist or author?

22. Do you have a favourite Corrie character?
I don't like Corrie.

23. Are your kitchen sink taps separate or a mixer?

24. Do you have a favourite brand of blended tea?

25. What's in your attic if you have one?
i have an attic. Though the council had no idea there was one, they deny that there's an attic. They state its a communal one for maintenance. But it's not as it's seperate from the one in the communal hallway, this one is actually in my flat. The lock has been busted, so it can't be opened. I do wonder whats up there.

26. If you go out for a cream tea, what jam do you like on your scone?

27. Talking of scones- scon or scown? Jam or cream first?
scon, cream first.

28. Barth or bath? / 29. Carstle or castle?
barth, carstle.

30. What flavour of crisps do you favour?
meaty, except chicken - thats just nasty!

31. If you go to the chippie, what do you like with your chips?
salt and vinegar :)

32. Take away, take out or carry out?
take away

33. If you have one, what colour is your wheelie bin?
nope, we just have a big skip wheelie bin, it's shit and silver metal

34. What colour skips does your local skip hire use?

35. Do you celebrate Guy Fawkes?
not really, no.

36. Dettol or TCP?

37. Do you have a bidet in the bathroom?
haha no! i don't think i'd even know how to use one in all honesty.

38. Do you prefer courgettes or aubergines?
bleh, neither.

39. In the 'real world', do you have friends of other nationalities? Which nationalities?
american, swedish

40. Do you have a holy book of any sort in the house?

41. Do you prefer a hankie or tissues?

42. Are you a fan of crumpets? What do you like on them?
I LOOOOVE CRUMPETS!!! has to be nutella!

43. Doorbell, knocker or both?
buzzer entry system, but if i was to choose what i wanted, i would go with either.

44. Do you own a car? What sort?

45. What sort of pants do you guys prefer? Y fronts or boxers?
i prefer boxer briefs on a guy.

46. Anyone still a fan of suspenders?
Hell yeah!

47. Do you have a favourite quote from the bard?
i can't remember many, but there are some that i like.

48. Do you like toasted muffins?
i've never had them.

49. Do you think a traditional trifle should contain jelly?
yes, but i don't like trifle

50. Do you attend regular religious worship? Of what kind?
oh god no, it irritated me as a kid. Just have everyone talked and had a self-righteous conservative air about them. They just came across as being very fake, ignorant and up themselves.

The Cult Of Nandos

there seems to be this thing of people who enjoy nandos chicken. people who love it so intensely sometimes they then tattoo the logo onto themselves. such is their adoration of the restaurant and the food they serve. these people in my opinion are like the high elders, the priests of the cult.

if youre ever to meet one. run.

but aside from the high elders of nando, who praise and worship the chickeny gods of yore, are the other devotees. who are inconspcious in their day to day life, upon meeting one, you wouldnt know of their secret worship, unless you made the error of saying one of two phrases

'i've never been to nandos'
'i dont like nandos chicken'.

off goes their normal citizen attire, and underneath is a chicken suit of magnitude, and they call to their brethren to assemble against you. asking you why, and not letting it lie until you convert to the way of the nando chicken.

my question is, how does this start? is it something in their food, like that of mcdonalds, lacing their meals with addictive additives?! so youre doomed to become their slave?

it is in my opinion and observation of these people and their place of worship, is that they are brainwashed by the music, sublimial messages in the menus and in the neon lighted logo itself, this combined with the drugged food, turns them this way.

Aug. 14th, 2015


(no subject)

i sent my esa claim off today. let the fight begin!

Jul. 30th, 2015


(no subject)

i had two similar dreams, involving two different men in different situations and scenarios, but the same sort of thing. they were both my boyfriends, but they were totally dicks, and were rude to my parents. and i stood up to them and told them to fuck off, as i wont stand for that type of behaviour.

not sure why i had these dreams :s

Jul. 25th, 2015


(no subject)

well that was disturbing :s ive just woken up from a dream where ben visited to collect his xfiles dvds, with his gf :s

in the dream i was with someone too, cant remember who.

and then my alarm on my phone woke me up and i realised its the same alarm ben used to have on his phone :s

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