i have been feeling really down about myself recently. I have that old feeling of all the world being against me.
i haven't had depression like this, in a long time. I've done counselling before and it doesnt help me. And ive had bad reactions to antidepressants, so i dont want to go on that again. So here i am with my more effective form of therapy.
When i'm not depressed, i'm pretty okay with myself, strong and independent. When i get knocked down, i become the bounce-back queen.
I havent felt alone in years. Until now. I feel worthless, annoying, irritating and unimportant. That everyone would feel better without me around. Perhaps people wouldn't even notice.
For the past few months ive experienced alot of negativity from people towards me. All i hear from people is how i do this wrong and that wrong, and can i not do this and that, and im difficult, tiring, exhausting, unreasonable, a bad friend, hypercritical, etc. I've become a punching bag for nearly all my friends and people at work.
i also miss being part of a couple. Being with someone who loves me and wants the best for me. Who helps to bring our the best in me, by lifting me up when i'm down and encouraging me in good things, etc. Who can look beyond my difficulties and insecurities and helps me conquer them, instead of picking at them and how i fail because of them.
But people give up on me. They dont take the time or effort to get beyond that, to see that i care and love so deeply, that im loyal to the core, i love nothing more than being affectionate, sweet, thoughtful and supportive of people.
Instead they fixate on the negatives. My negatives. But even then, its unfair. My problems is that i worry, get insecure and jealous. I dont expect people to change or do things differently, because i know these are my problems, not theirs. I'm not mean or callous or spiteful because of them. I'm not violent or even yell. I dont demand to know where they are at every minute or even invade their privacy.
I just worry, and get insecure in my worth and their affections, and seek reassurance, seek affection either verbal or physical.
I just feel so alone and worthless. But whenever i try and talk to someone i get dismissed or turned around so its about them.