This is the month of Halloween. Because of this fact, i have something creepy to share, but with a twist.
In my flat there is a door in the ceiling, an attic door. The council has no previous knowledge of it being there, or even an attic. Theres no keys to it. It's just there. On the door is a keyhole lock, which is bashed in. Covering this was a white piece of tape, to camouflage it. But over the years it peeled off. That's when i noticed it. Theres also a switch near the ceiling which has a label on it saying 'Attic Light'.
The realistic side of me knows the previous occupiers mustve had it made without notifying the council.
But why is the lock bashed in? If its done by the council, why do they have no knowledge of it?
Which brings me to my deep, dark web of an imagination i have. I imagine a creature so foul, living up there, who watches me from cracks in the ceiling to see when i fall asleep. Then he comes down from the attic and sits on my chest, feeding on my feelings of anxiety, interweaving his talons into my dreams, manipulating them. Then as i stir, he slithers back, shutting the door after him. And i awake none the wiser.
I wonder what would happen one day if i got a locksmith to open it. What exactly would come tumbling out. Would it unleash the forces of hell? Is this why its kept locked shut and all knowledge of it has disappeared from existence. What have i stumbled upon here? So i open it? Should i go up and into the darkness. What sort of light is in there? What would i see lurking in the shadows up there?
it could be a secret opening into willy wonkas chocolate factory. Thats the idea i take to bed with me at night lol
it appears depression has won.
i have been feeling really down about myself recently. I have that old feeling of all the world being against me.
i haven't had depression like this, in a long time. I've done counselling before and it doesnt help me. And ive had bad reactions to antidepressants, so i dont want to go on that again. So here i am with my more effective form of therapy.
When i'm not depressed, i'm pretty okay with myself, strong and independent. When i get knocked down, i become the bounce-back queen.
I havent felt alone in years. Until now. I feel worthless, annoying, irritating and unimportant. That everyone would feel better without me around. Perhaps people wouldn't even notice.
For the past few months ive experienced alot of negativity from people towards me. All i hear from people is how i do this wrong and that wrong, and can i not do this and that, and im difficult, tiring, exhausting, unreasonable, a bad friend, hypercritical, etc. I've become a punching bag for nearly all my friends and people at work.
i also miss being part of a couple. Being with someone who loves me and wants the best for me. Who helps to bring our the best in me, by lifting me up when i'm down and encouraging me in good things, etc. Who can look beyond my difficulties and insecurities and helps me conquer them, instead of picking at them and how i fail because of them.
But people give up on me. They dont take the time or effort to get beyond that, to see that i care and love so deeply, that im loyal to the core, i love nothing more than being affectionate, sweet, thoughtful and supportive of people.
Instead they fixate on the negatives. My negatives. But even then, its unfair. My problems is that i worry, get insecure and jealous. I dont expect people to change or do things differently, because i know these are my problems, not theirs. I'm not mean or callous or spiteful because of them. I'm not violent or even yell. I dont demand to know where they are at every minute or even invade their privacy.
I just worry, and get insecure in my worth and their affections, and seek reassurance, seek affection either verbal or physical.
I just feel so alone and worthless. But whenever i try and talk to someone i get dismissed or turned around so its about them.
i'm sorry. so so sorry. but i gotta do this.
i started out reading the article, all intrigued and stuff, but about half way in...ita creepy as fuck! like...im pretty sure this was made by someone having a psychotic episode :s someone who is psychopathically unstable.
and its creeped me the fuck out!
please dont go searching for it, and i really advise yoh NOT to read the article, unless youre really sure.
i hath The Flu Of Pain
it started out with achy legs and thighs. I thought nothing of it, i can live with it. Two days later i get an attack of neuralgia down one side of my face, leaving in agony even after taking max dose of ibruprofen and paracetamol. Eventually it subsided and i was well drugged up and fell asleep. I then got woken up by ryan who was concerned after he saw my fb status of how much painkillers i took. I reassured him it was fine and ive only taken the dosage it says on the packet, at the correct times. He didnt seem that convinced, but we ended up having a pleasant talk about philosophy, i was pretty much out of it, so it was the perfect topic to talk to me about in that state lol
I woke up today feeling just as naff, so had to call in sick to work, luckily my boss was okay with it. And ive spent *sneezes* the majority of my time in bed, being bored. So ive been plaguing ryan with phone calls of me going 'wahhhh!! sympathy! company!!'
I'm a brat when im ill and not sleeping or throwing up.
But credit where credit is due, hes been good and been taken the phonecalls and just talking to me, making sure im okay and lecturing me on the biology of flu.
Then this evening my mum has come to stay the night so she can be here for the sky engineer - i'll get to that part in a minute.
And at first i had horrible stomach cramps. Then my whole tummy went sore and it felt like i was gonna hurl. But no, it went a different route after i combatted it with camomile and spearmint tea. My tummy stopped being sore and the flu decided to deal me a blow of trapped wind in my ribcage, ricoheting up and down and side to side, jabbing and abating, before jabbing me in the ribs again. I had nothing to help me get rid of it. Then my mum told me she had a can of ginger beer with her. I hate ginger beer -.-
But its fizzy. And the shop near me was closed. It was the only thing. My mum poured some into a glass and i swigged it down, trying not to taste it.
Ha, yeh, good luck with that! It was all my mouth tasted of! And i hate the stuff! Worse yet, was that it did nothing! i grabbed my vitamin water drink, which is a still fruit drink and drank that down fast, but ended up with my oesothagous spasm, meaning i couldnt swallow, meaning i was choking on the drink. So i leaned over and allowed it to come back up.
i know, its gross, im sorry. But it was agony. I've burped a few times since, but its still there in my back, jabbing away.
Back to the engineer. I cant remember if i told you guys that my sky broke. Apparently the aerial was broken, so wasnt receiving anything. And was told there would be a call out fee. Which i found wrong, as the dish is a communal dish. It has been there since the very first day i moved in.
So my subscription price got cut in half and i just made do with the app instead. That was last year, so i rung up the other day to cancel everything, and they decided to lower it half again, to £6pm, and to fix my dish for free.
happy girlie. And oh look the neuralgia is trying to come back....
hey all, my lj buddy jonbeckett403 did a entry about some observations some american did about his stay in britain.
some may say its on point, but i found myself groaning..and heres why:
Almost everyone is very polite (depending on if we're in a car or not)
The food is generally outstanding (depends on where you go and what your tastes are)
There are no guns (There are, but are difficult to get access to)
There are too many narrow stairs
Everything is just a little bit different
The pubs close too early
The reason they drive on the left is because all their cars are built backwards (actually the first car made, was made in italy or britain i think - dont quote me on that, but consequently it is the americans who have their cara built 'backwards')
Pubs are not bars, they are community living rooms.
You'd better like peas, potatoes and sausage (You dont, there are many other varieties of foods available when eating out)
Refrigerators and washing machines are very small
Everything is generally older, smaller and shorter
People don't seem to be afraid of their neighbors or the government (HA!)
Their paper money makes sense, the coins don't (okay...but further down the list you say they do...)
Everyone has a washing machine but driers are rare (Not everyone has a washing machine, but most do)
Hot and cold water faucets. Remember them?
Pants are called "trousers", underwear are "pants" and sweaters are "jumpers"
The bathroom light is a string hanging from the ceiling (I'm sorry but that gives the impression that there is a string hanging from the ceiling in which we use as a light! )
"Fanny" is a naughty word, as is "shag" (Both phrases not really used much anymore, but twat and fuck are still well in use!)
All the signs are well designed with beautiful typography and written in full sentences with proper grammar. (Unless theyre not covered in teas or graffiti)
There's no dress code (Some places do)
Doors close by themselves, but they don't always open
They eat with their forks upside down (Nope, some people do, but some like myself use forks like shovels)
The English are as crazy about their gardens as Americans are about cars (I hate gardening.)
They don't seem to use facecloths or napkins or maybe they’re just less messy than we are (we do use napkins, we have napkins near enough everywhere! even in greasy spoons!)
The wall outlets all have switches, some don't do anything (facepalm)
There are hardly any cops or police cars (again, depends on where you live and the crime rate of that area.)
5,000 year ago, someone arranged a lot of rocks all over, but no one is sure why
When you do see police they seem to be in male & female pairs and often smiling (really?! )
Black people are just people: they didn't quite do slavery here (Ohhhh this is offensive to the core! we did have slavery here, but we outlawed it way way before the americans!)
Everything comes with chips, which are French Fries. You put vinegar on them (if you like vinegar)
Cookies are "biscuits" and potato chips are "crisps"
HP sauce is better then catsup
Obama is considered a hero, Bush is considered an idiot.
After fish and chips, curry is the most popular food
The water controls in showers need detailed instructions (seriously? im not sure what detailed instructions are needed to understand that the blue line is cold water and the hot line is hot....)
They will boil anything (actually we rarely boil things nowadays)
Folks don't always lock their bikes (haha oh yes we do! england is not some crime free utopia!)
It's not unusual to see people dressed different and speaking different languages
Your electronic devices will work fine with just a plug adapter
Nearly everyone is better educated then we are (depends on who you meet, some will be university educated, some will just have secondary schooling)
If someone buys you a drink you must do the same (Not always, that is only ever done if someone says 'i'll get the first round')
There are no guns
Look right, walk left. Again; look right, walk left. You're welcome. (Eh?! you look right to see approaching traffic and walk straight, you look left to see other approaching traffic, but most of the time you look both ways before crossing the road)
Avoid British wine and French beer (O.o really?)
It's not that hard to eat with the fork in your left hand with a little practice. If you don't, everyone knows you're an American (Clearly i and some other fellow britonians are closet americans then! because again...doesnt really matter and its an individual thing)
Many of the roads are the size of our sidewalks
There's no AC (There is AC, in most places, just not in the home)
Instead of turning the heat up, you put on a jumper (Depends, you can do both tbh lol)
Gas is "petrol", it costs about $6 a gallon and is sold by the liter (litre)
If you speed on a motorway, you get a ticket. Period. Always (Not always. Period.)
You don't have to tip, really!
Scotland, Wales, Ireland and Cornwall really are different countries (No theyre not.)
Only 14% of Americans have a passport, almost everyone in the UK does
You pay the price marked on products because the taxes (VAT) are built in
Walking is the national pastime
Their TV looks and sounds much better then ours
They took the street signs down during WWII, but haven't put them all back up yet (Wow, where did this guy visit?! must've been somewhere quite rural)
Everyone enjoys a good joke
There are no guns
Dogs are very well behaved and welcome everywhere (Not always, and they certainly are not welcome everywhere! There are parks that prohibit dogs from entering, all but a few shops dont allow dogs to enter unless its an aid dog, and most if not all beaches in the UK dont allow dogs on them. Unfortuently most people ignore that rule)
There are no window screens (Seriously?! yes there are!! LOOOOADS!)
You can get on a bus and end up in Paris (Not quite, unless you mean a coach)
Everyone knows more about our history then we do
Radio is still a big deal. The BBC is quite good
The newspapers can be awful
Everything costs the same but our money is worth less so you have to add 50% to the price to div what you're paying
Beer comes in large, completely filled, actual pint glasses and the closer the brewery the better the beer
Butter and eggs aren't refrigerated (The butter is ALWAYS refrigerated!)
The beer isn't warm, each style is served at the proper temperature
Cider (alcoholic) is quite good.
Excess cider consumption can be very painful.
The universal greeting is "Cheers" (pronounced "cheeahz" unless you are from Cornwall, in which case it's "chairz") (Jesus fucking christ! The universal drinking phrase is 'cheers', but actually greetings can vary from person to person and for place to place)
The money is easy to understand: 1-2-5-10-20-50 pence, £1-£2 coins and £5-£10, etc bills. There are no quarters.
Their cash makes ours look like Monopoly money
Cars don't have bumper stickers
Many doorknobs, buildings and tools are older than America
By law, there are no crappy, old cars (This one im personally offended by, because my family have a rich, steep history of driving old, crappy cars! We are everywhere!)
When the sign says something was built in 456, they didn't lose the "1" (They might've lost the '1')
Cake is is pudding, ice cream is pudding, anything served for desert is pudding, even pudding
BBC 4 is NPR
Everything closes by 1800 (6pm) (Nope most shops start closing at 5, most shops are closed by 6:30pm, unless theyre a supermarket that stocks alcohol which means they can be open alot later and in some cases open all night)
Very few people smoke, those who do often roll their own
You're defined by your accent
No one in Cornwall knows what the hell a Cornish Game Hen is
Football is a religion, religion is a sport
Europeans dress better then the British, we dress worse
The trains work: a three minute delay is regrettable (The trains are frequently delayed or cancelled, we are a nation of replacement bus services)
Drinks don't come with ice (Drinks nearly always come with ice)
There are far fewer fat English people
There are a lot of healthy old folks around participating in life instead of hiding at home watching tv (And many, like my parents who dont. Who prefer to sit at home and watch tv)
If you're over 60, you get free tv and bus and rail passes. (You only get free tv if youre aged over 75)
They don't use Bose anything anywhere
Displaying your political or religious affiliation is considered very bad taste (Depends on your behaviour and attitudes with it)
Every pub seems to have a pet drunk
Their healthcare works, but they still bitch about it
Cake is one of the major food groups
Their coffee is mediocre but the tea is wonderful
There are still no guns
After reading it through, im pretty sure this guy may have accidentally walked through the set of The Old Summer Wine and thought it was a true representation of england.
i had something happen to me many, many years ago i never spoke about. To be honest, for a long time i werent sure what it was.
About 3 years ago, i was very overweight. I was over 11 stone. Which to some people, may not sound much. But i'm also only 5ft. All the women in my family, tend to carry their weight around the middle, as we have high set hips amd waist. So i carried most of my weight around that region. I've seen photos of me from that time and i, nor my own mother recognised me, i looked very different. Naturally, im quite a petite person, with no just being short, but having a small frame too and a slim face. In these photos i was all bloated. It wasn't nice.
This, i think, was from lack of exercise and ben cooking near enough every unhealthy meal we had (which was all of them) in butter. Then we used to eat out alot in mcdonalds. So it was hardly surprised one night when i was tucking in at something while bem was asleep that i had, what i now know, was a heart attack. A very small one that went away within 5 minutes. But it was terrifying. It felt like my chest was being squeezed and then crushed and i couldnt breathe. I had an intense painful squeezing sensation down my left arm, it went all dead and numb too. Very weird feeling. It did disperse after a couple of minutes, but those minutes i was paralyzed. I couldnt speak or move, nothing. I just sat there silently, not being able to breathe. Everything in me just froze.
When it went away, my heart was pounding with arthmia, which again, is so weird, but its something i have mildly when i have periods of intense stress or anxiety. Wobbily i went into the bedroom and told ben who was half asleep, and he patted me sleepily and said it was probably just heart burn, and went back to sleep.
For years, ive never really known what it was. I've never had it since. I get indigestion every now and then, if ive eaten something like pastry. But i cant help but think, that couldnt have been heartburn.
I'm reclaiming the word 'retard'. This is used to describe someone as being a bit dim in some regard.
And guess what, in some aspects i am. I'm not going to molly-coddle myself and act like im some special delicate snowflake, because i'm not. And to put a 'positive spin' on some aspects of my learning difficulties is actually quite insulting. We are not saviours of the spiritual universe. We are not the next step on the ladder of evolution. We are people. We are people that, yes, may have some traits or qualities that can be described as being 'unsually kick assy!' but there are others that aren't. And i think its important to accept that and not try and gloss over it. I am backwards when it comes to alot of social situations and interactions.
There i said. The thing people like me or not like me, are told never ever to say. Because its not nice and can hurt someone feelings.
I call bullshit.
To invalidate these things is to actually diminish alot of the blood, sweat and tears we put in on a daily basis of just dealing with people. The challenges we face and strive through. It can also sometimes make us appear as real arseholes, because our meaning sometimes can get lost.
I am retarded in some ways, a bit slow and backwards. Thats just the way it is. You get given lemons in life. Deal with it.
I've noticed that most people who have a problem with words like retard and backwards, tend to come from people who aren't. But i don't find it offensive. If someone called me a retard today, i'd probably tell them to feck off, but...it wouldnt make me feel bad about myself. I like myself, the positives and the negatives.
And quite wrongly, i do find it somewhat funny when people get bent out of shape over the words. Generally because theyre not aware that actually theyre part of the problem. It gives more negative power to the words, making them feel more insidious. The more theyre used in more positive contexts, the less negative impact they will have.
My point in all of this is that, there is nothing wrong with being retarded. When people get bent out of shape over the word, it actually reinforces the idea, that there is.
for 11 years after that, she spent her time at penton, living in the mobile home with us. The memories i have of her are of giving my mum various assorted heart attacks from jumping from the roof to the shed roof (there was quite a gap), jumping in through the front room window when my mum was napping, watching tv or reading, jumping in through the kitchen window when my mum was cooking the sunday dinner, all the times my mum accidentally stepped on her, especially in the dark and then the times she would jump in through the bathroom window while youre on the loo (which was in front of a frosted window). She frequently liked to give my dad heart failure too by jumping in through their bedroom window late at night, waking my dad up with the noise so he would yell out in suprise, waking us all up in the process, and the walls in the mobile home where paper thin.
She also had love affairs with a couple of large soft toys she would be found sat on, snoozing, for the majority of her time. But ultimately she was an outdoorsy cat, she was normally more outdoors than indoors. I remember one time when she had conjunctivitus and had to be kept in, we had to put a slide over the catflap to keep her in. It was just a piece of flimsy grey plastic that slotted in, in front of it preventing her from going out. She got so pissed off by this fact, she put all her body weight (in her youth she was quite a heavy muscled cat) into ripping it off, WHICH she succeeded in doing!!
There were also times where either i was upset or scared and she would comfort me. For many years, she was my furry best friend. But ultimately she became more my dads cat than mine, and when smudge joined the family i accepted that. I had more of a kinship with smudge at that time.
Once we got smudge, she tended to spend more time outside, where i would go for walks with her around the golf course a stone throw away, behind my home, or to see some friends around the park, she would follow me up to where it felt too far for her and she would meow plaintively and i would stop, have to walk back to her, pick her up and take her home and then continue on with my journey.
When she wasnt outside, she would normally be found either on my bed or in the later years on one of my parents beds (they sleep in the same room, but in seperate beds).
Another memory that i can recall and it makes me chuckle, because of her long love affair with the roast chicken. My mum had a real hassle keeping her from it. If my mum shut the kitchen door, she would still push it open bit by bit by sheer devilment and willpower of her body weight being pushed up against it in very powerful nudges haha. But it didnt stop there, the chicken after it had been dished up, had to, very quickly be put away into the fridge otherwise she'd be up on the counter munching away! But...again...it didnt end there, once the carcass had been done with, it would be put in the 'bin', the 'bin' essentially was just a carrier bag on a back of a chair we had gotten from my grandmother, to replace the chair we had before that broke when my dad stood on it to change the kitchen light bulb and consequently went straight through it with a crash. Anyway...once the carcass had been put in the 'bin' we would hear late at night the rustle of the plastic bag being pawed and clawed at and then some chomping noises. One night my mum was greeted by poppy and a chicken carcass having a dinner date in the hallway. My mums reaction was not a quiet one.... lol.
I think thats about it about her times at penton. It was so long ago now, my memory of stuff is fading sadly. But my next entry will be of her later years after my parents moved from penton.